Some things

There it was. The moment that I laid my eyes on my son for the first time. [ If you could peek into the nursery in the middle of the night, you might see a similar picture. Minus the goop all over max, I might be crying from time to time, begging him to sleep...ha ha ha]

I gotta apologize to any readers (those that miraculously still check this blog!) and all of my facebook friends. My former world stopped its revolution around the sun, and shifted it's orbit around this kid. All of my updates, photos, thoughts on life, future plans...they are kind of ALL about Max. And you can't blame me a whole lot, as there isn't anything that happens to me that doesn't include Max...he's my mini, always on my hip. I love him, love him lovehim!

and I really cannot believe it's been over four months since he came into the world. where did my teeny, squinty, bleating bundle of baby go? I've got this chubby little guy who grabs at everything he can get his fingers around, and loves to be tossed up in the air. I have this conspiracy theory that he sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night and goes to Baby University, where they teach him new sounds and facial expressions, and things like how to roll over unexpectedly. Because I certainly don't teach him these things! I made him promise me that he'd never get big and leave the house, but I have a feeling that he's going to go back on that promise. Little stinker : )

Life is so sweet. I have all these circles of people that I LOVE, and I am so so thankful for this season of friendships. I've got a short list of old friends that date back to early college....a medium long list of friends from the last year or two, a few awesome girls from church that I went thru pregnancy with (all our first babies!), new-forming friendships with a group of ladies from MOPS....and the ages span from young to old. There's a new friendship forming with an older lady from church, that I'm so thankful for. Max & I met her for lunch last week, and it just feels SO wonderful to have meaningful friendships with women of all ages, from all walks of life. It seems so perfectly well-rounded, and I am so grateful for it.

And my relationships with Jon's family, and my own family (despite the distance!) has become so much richer & authentic over the last year...am I yammering on now?

I guess what I'm trying to express is the current state of my heart...THANKFUL! 2011 has been by far the most difficult year of my 28 years on earth. My marriage, character, and faith in God have been put thru the fire, and I have spent many many nights alone, trying to fight back the fear of not knowing what my future looks like. I've spent months asking God to hear my prayers, and just trust that he does hear, even when he stays silent. I've learned raw and painful lessons about repentance, and humility. I've learned just how much inner strength I actually have (it's been remarkable, actually), and I feel like I'm learning for the first time what it means to love selflessly.

I know these lessons will continue throughout my whole life, and I don't mean to say that "I've arrived!" But I can smile as I look back on the past 12 months, and see a new person emerging. I honestly had no business deciding I was ready to be a mom...do any of us, really? But what an amazing process of growing up it forces us thru. It's strange to say that I'm genuinely thankful for the impossibly difficult year Jon and I have gone, and continue to go, through. I did not like who I was before all of it, and I feel like Max now has a fighting chance to have parents who can resolve conflict, and teach him a thing or two about forgiveness and unconditional love.

Thank God for God. That we are not trapped down here on earth in our own muck and mire, left to perish in our own selfishness. I cannot believe that we have hope to learn from mistakes and our past...and that we have the promise of a future without blemish!

Anyway...mommyhood? Difficult, but awesome! Marriagehood? Also very difficult, but redeeming. Which is what a life of walking with God is supposed to look like, I guess. What a great analogy God gave us to understand our relationship to Him.

Hey, if you're confused about anything I'm saying, or anything I said sparked some questions, shoot me an email. I'm digging open communication, and would love the opportunity to share more or encourage you, if you need it :)

Location:Wallingford, Seattle